Apparently, I’ve got spondylolisthesis, meaning that a disk in my spine has slipped out of place (to a rather extensive degree, according to my doctor; it was a relief, at least, to have a professional tell me I wasn’t just being pathetic).
It fucking sucks. I’m laying in my bed now and I cannot describe to you the ways my back pieces currently feel like they are moving, except to say that the sensation is pervasive and unpleasant. Before I went to the doctor, I spent eleven days barely able to stand. I only left my bed to use the restroom and even that was an iffy prospect.
It’s unclear if this makes it better or worse, but the most likely cause for this that has been put forth so far is hilarious … And embarrassing.
Anyway, I’ve been enjoying this debilitating situation for a few months now and the next opportunity to potentially fix it is thirteen days from now. I wish it were today.
You are not pathetic, by the way. You are actually brave not to get swept off by opioid prescriptions. It’s ok to cry, it relieves stress, the stress chemicals actually “bleed off” in our tears. So GTFO, you stress chemicals! We don’t need you hanging around our back doors. ;)
That’s very kind of you to say.
The last time I had opioids of any sort was when I had a dental surgery. I didn’t even open them until the whole thing with my back, then I very reluctantly tried them out of desperation. They were a weak enough dosage that they didn’t impact my head in a way noticable to my wife or to me (still didn’t drive or anything risky though), but they helped a little with my pain. I think they might have helped me get to the doctor but boy was that car ride painful. I never finished them. I think about half the prescription is still in my bedside drawer, actually.
Before that, the most recent experience I had with them was when I broke my ankle. They gave them to me when I was in the hospital and, while they certainly helped with the pain, I really really didn’t like what they did to my head. There was a point where I legitimately questioned my connection to reality and whether I’d gone insane. They prescribed me, IIRC, a ten day dose for home; I think I took them for a day, maybe a day and a half, then never again. My wife ended up throwing them out.
(Besides how unpleasant they were from the inside, my wife said it was concerning to watch me do nothing while using them. She said I didn’t eat, didn’t pee, didn’t even sleep (that last part was the most upsetting to me and I think why I questioned reality). Even if I had enjoyed them, I don’t want that to be my life and I don’t want to upset my wife like that.)
I’m never going to judge someone for pursuing whatever recreation they want (so long as they’re not hurting anyone else and are aware of whatever damage they’re doing to themselves) - I have my own vices. I’ll take serious pain medication if I have to, like if I break my ankle, but if it can be avoided I will do so because I did not like the experiences.
I appreciate that the current medicine they have me taking, gabapentin, operates on the nerves and doesn’t do any kind of party drug stuff. They say it can make you sleepy, but fortunately I seem to have dodged that.
Thanks again for being kind!