This week’s upcoming matchups and league standings are so compelling that I feel the need to write a preview. I haven’t done this in years, so bear with me.
Eliminated
I want to talk about the knife fight that’s about to happen for playoff spots, but I also want to make sure every team gets a word, at least.
Waddle Waddle (3-10)
Woof.
Ginabonmom (3-10)
Hey, it looks like Ashton Jeanty is the real deal AND the Raiders just fired Chip Kelly as their OC. Now, it’ll be Pete Carroll refusing to run the ball when he ought to! Time is a flat circle! Jeanty will be an excellent 49er in a few years when that rookie contract runs out. Until then, Gina might be able to get some value out of her stockpile of high-volume TEs, especially when we add a TE slot to the roster in 2026.
Team Ow My Knee (5-8)
Chris waved the white flag in the moments leading up to kickoff last week, shipping Devonte Adams to James’ Hypocyclotron for a first-round pick. That first-round pick might wind up being in the top 6 because, again, impending knife fight.
Car KamKoC (5-8)
QB Jayden Daniels. RB Cam Skattebo. WR Amon-Ra St. Brown. WR Tee Higgins. WR Brandon Aiyuk. TE Sam LaPorta.
That’s not Gaskill’s lineup; it’s his injury report. All he’s got left is Matt Stafford, Justin Jefferson, and a bunch of platoon players where it’s always the other guy scoring all the points.
Technically Not Eliminated
There’s one team with a Bengals chance of making the playoffs:
Baraboo Bone Breakers (6-7)
Little Kate’s team just passed Fish Go Blub to become the third-highest-scoring team in the league as well as the most efficient manager, with an 87% efficiency rating. None of that matters for shit, though, because wins proved elusive. In order for the Bone Breakers to make the playoffs, they need:
- WIN
- Fish Go Blub LOSS vs. Team Ow My Knee
- SomaDaydream LOSS vs. Waddle Waddle
- MAINTAIN POINTS (20) over Fish Go Blub
- MAINTAIN POINTS (32) over SomaDaydream
Must Wins
We’ve got two teams that have enough points to shove other teams out of the Wild Card as long as they win.
Team SomaDaydream (7-6)
All Dave has to do is beat the lowest-scoring team in the league with the least efficient manager (74%, with the next lowest at 81%). What could go wrong? Waddle Waddle is probably going to trot Geno Smith out there for giggles. He might start every Chief he has and hope for a barnburner. The only motivating factor Thompson has is not getting yelled at by Little Kate, who needs him to win. I’m sure Dave can fill in the holes with warm bodies off the waiver wire and let Jahmyr Gibbs do all of the work. Here’s the scenario:
- WIN
Pick 2:
- Whiplash WIN vs. Freehold Fighters
- MAINTAIN POINTS (~90) over Freehold Fighters, Fetal Beater, Hypocyclotron
- OUTSCORE Fish Go Blub (~14)
Fish Go Blub (7-6)
This is a bad week to be without CMC and Brock Purdy, especially since Lamar Jackson sucks now. I’m not sure [ squints ] Kenny Gainwell is the answer. Has RJ Harvey arrived? Will Jordan Mason get to pretend to be good while Aaron Jones nurses a busted shoulder? Maybe Kate will say, “Fuck it, I’m starting the kick returner.” The most dangerous thing about their opponent, Team Ow My Knee, is that his RBs are on teams without QBs who desperately want the season to be over. We’re at that point of the season where Quinshon Judkins and Breece Hall might get 30+ touches, 180 yards, and a sneaky garbage-time TD. Victory conditions are extremely similar to Dave’s:
- WIN
Pick 2:
- Whiplash WIN vs. Freehold Fighters
- MAINTAIN POINTS (~90) over Freehold Fighters, Fetal Beater, Hypocyclotron
- MAINTAIN POINTS (14) over SomaDaydream
The Knife Fights
Fetal Beater (8-5) vs. Hypocyclotron (8-5)
This one’s for money. The team that wins this matchup wins the Park Division and a first-round bye. The team that loses might not even make the playoffs. Both Fetal Beater and Hypocyclotron are roughly 100 points behind Soma Daydream and Fish Go Blub. They’re over 200 points behind the Whiplash.
Fetal Beater is getting Joe Burrow back just as Daniel Jones has begun turning back into Daniel Jones. Bucky Irving. Kimani Vidal. George Pickens somehow. Even Christian Watson looks like he’s going to get his requisite 8-12 games in this season before returning to the IR.
Hypocyclotron has shifted into “win now” mode, sending his 1st round pick to Team Ow My Knee for 32 year old Devonte Adams despite having depth problems at QB, WR, RB, and TE. I’m writing this before the waivers process, so maybe James will move Alvin Kamara and … Kerby Joseph (why) to IR, drop his backup kicker, and scrape a few old TEs off the bottom of the barrel to get through the week. He’s just as likely to start Taysom Hill. James hasn’t had more than 8 wins since 2018 — YOLO.
- WIN AND IN.
Walla Walla Whiplash (8-5) vs. Gibbs Freehold Fighters (8-5)
Gibbons has a consistent team of young players. If they played the Whiplash’s schedule, they’d be 2-11.
“It’s embarrassing that we have five losses, quite frankly,” replied manager Dom Bonanni when asked about his team’s recent struggles. “I understand that when you have a pedigree of success, a nine-win season feels like a disaster, but it isn’t. We lost the division, so we’ll just have to go into the Wildcard with focus and determination. We’re simply better than our record suggests.” When corrected that the Whiplash were currently 8-5 and still had a week left to play in the regular season, Bonanni chortled.
The Whiplash have clinched a playoff berth by outscoring all wild card teams a week ahead of time. The Freehold Fighters, on the other hand, need to:
- WIN
Or, pick one:
- OUTSCORE the loser of Fetal Beater v. Hypocyclotron (~16 points)
- SomaDaydream LOSS
- Fish Go Blub LOSS
Whatever
Kekambas (10-3)
Clinched a week or two ago. Go take a nap.